Thanks to the actions of entitled, sub-80 IQ, roided-up millionaire athletes we are witnessing the slow death of America’s national pastime of the past four decades, the NFL. What once was an exciting and mindless escape for millions of Americans has turned into a national embarrassment.
Americans are not interested in watching whiny, ungrateful SJWs in shoulder pads showcase their hatred for the country that was generous enough to provide them the opportunity to make millions of dollars throwing a ball around. The NFL is going to virtue signal itself into insolvency, evidenced by the already sizable drop in ratings and revenue. With the taxpayer-subsidized league refusing to enforce its own code of conduct regarding the anthem (which was likely added as an afterthought because this would have been unthinkable pre-Obama), there is only one conclusion any red-blooded, patriotic American can come to: find a new national pastime. It is time for NFL fans to substitute legally retarded criminals for scantily-clad patriots and tune into the Lingerie Football League.
The Lingerie Football League is the perfect alternative to NFL football. It has hard hits, a better class of athletes, and leadership that actually has the balls to recognize that it is a privilege to live in a country that makes making a living playing a schoolyard game a viable career option. The LFL has told their athletes in absolute terms that they will stand for the anthem, a welcome contrast from the gutless empty suit that is Roger Goodell. Lingerie football was also the only reason worth sticking around for overhyped NFL halftime performances during what what would otherwise be a convenient time to relieve oneself of the six Coors Lights consumed in the second quarter. These buxom patriotic beauties are thrilled to have the opportunity to entertain the American masses, and are not arrogant enough to moralize to their fans who are paying to be entertained and not sermonized to.
It is time to end the divide and cut off the people who are stoking division in this country by getting back to what really makes America great: national unity. Lingerie football has the potential to unite Americans in a way that perhaps even the NFL in its heyday could not, because even non-sports fans will happily tune in. Move over Tyrone, it’s time for Tara the all-American beauty to dance in the end zone and make America great again.